Abandon Ship!
by Dixie Darlin
Summary: For Valentine's Day, Turbo finds himself trapped in the scariest place known to fictional characters...a badly written shipping-centric fanfiction.


_I literally came up with this last night and just hammered it out. Meant purely for fun, and definitely a crack fic if there ever was one! Oh and Happy Valentine's Day :P_

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**Abandon Ship!  
**

All Turbo wanted to do was spend the day reading his racing magazines and drinking coffee, safe from all the love-dovey sap that the dreaded holiday Valentine's Day had to offer. That all changed when everything disappeared, leaving him alone in a blank room. Nothing was there, only white as far as the eye could see.

"What the heck?" he asked out loud as he turned around in a circle. "Hey, what's going on here? Where's my stuff!"

**Welcome, Turbo.**

"Ahhh!" The gray-skinned racer fell on his butt at the loud voice that came from above. "Who's there! Show yourself!"

**I'm a voice, I cannot 'show' myself.**

Turbo huffed at the sarcasm and crossed his arms. "Fine, can you at least tell me why I got dragged out of the comforts of my home?"

**You are about to begin a long journey into madness. Prepare yourself for things that no one should ever have to go through. You are in...a shipping fic.**

Turbo cocked a brow as he stood back up, dusting his britches off. "A _what_?"

**Oh...you'll find out soon enough.**

The evil chuckle coming from the voiceover gave him the chills, which was odd because normally Turbo himself was the one giving people the chills. Before Turbo could ask what the voice was talking about, he found that the scene had shifted yet again, and now he was standing in the front yard of Niceland's penthouse building.

"The heck, why am I _here_? I don't want to talk to these idiots."

The door to the building flew open and all the Nicelanders piled out, chatting away about something that Turbo didn't care about. They all stopped upon seeing him, and the racer got more than a little creeped out.

"Uh...hi?" he grinned nervously.

"It's Turbo!" Mary squealed happily, clasping her hands together. She and the other women all swooned and fainted, falling on the ground.

Turbo backed a few steps. This was...odd.

"Y-yeah, it's me, Turbo," he confirmed, stealing glances at the small train that would get him the heck out of here.

**Let the fun begin...**

Gene pushed his way through the crowd then, a determined look on his face. "Back off, he's mine!" he announced. "I'm the mayor here, and what I want, I get!"

"No way, Genester!" Don, the Nicelander who dressed like a sea captain, said while shoving Gene away from him. "You always get more privileges than the rest of us because you're more well-known!"

Gene punched him in the face and kept walking towards Turbo. "Turbo, you and I can rule the arcade together in all of our antagonistic glory!" He put a hand to his heart and gave him the puppy-dog eyes. "Please, consider my offer. We can be rude and bully anyone who opposes us."

Turbo gave him a weird look and kept backing up away from him. "No thanks, I just want to go home and drink my coffee."

"Nonsense, come to my penthouse, and I'll treat you to a martini!" Gene kept getting closer to him. "You're the one person who understands hate as much as I do." He reached out to grab at the racer's arm, his grip surprisingly firm. "Will you be mine, forever?"

Little hearts started floating around his head, and Turbo let out a shriek and kicked him in the face. Gene went flying backwards and landed on his back, his little arms and legs flailing as he tried to get up.

"Fat chance, mustache!"

Turbo turned tail and ran for the little train. What had gotten into Gene and those other Nicelanders? He turned his head and saw the entire group of them trying to run after him, their strange bizarre movements keeping them from running very quickly. That was the only reason why Turbo was able to get the train moving and escape from them.

"Phew!" He wiped at his brow as he disappeared into the tunnel, the sights of Niceland fading away into the background. "That was close. What kind of stuff does he put in those martinis anyway? What a nutjob."

**Everyone's a fool when they're in love. **

"Okay, Voice Person Thing, you are really ticking me off with your unhelpful remarks!"

The train came to a stop, and Turbo hopped out and ran for Game Central Station. Surely everybody else was normal? He ran through the end of the portal, which summoned the Surge Protector.

"Oh come on!" Turbo yelled as he stopped to let Surge do his job. "Wait, maybe you know what's happening. Niceland's game is full of love-obsessed whackos. Is there some kind of virus going around?"

Surge blinked and looked down at him, adjusting his glasses a bit. "Virus? I haven't had anything show up on my radar."

"Well then, what is-" Turbo stopped when Surge suddenly patted him on top of his helmet.

"Never fear, Turbo, I would do anything to make sure you are safe. I even allowed you to hide all those years after what you did to _RoadBlasters_, and then kept my mouth shut after you sneaked into _Sugar Rush_."

Turbo peered up at him with a confused look. "Huh? No you didn't, what are you talking about?"

**Remember, you are in a fanfiction. Headcanons about characters are welcome here.**

Turbo jerked as he heard the voice again, backing away from Surge so he could look around. "Did you hear that voice? What's a head cannon? I think I need one to blow up those Nicelanders' heads."

Surge tilted his head at him. "What voice? The only person talking is you." He smiled warmly. "I think you're confused. Maybe you should step into my office..."

Turbo didn't trust that smile, and somewhere in the distance he could hear the sounds of many tiny feet running. The Nicelanders! They were after him!

"Uh, no thanks, I gotta go!" Turbo tried to run, but the Surge suddenly wrapped his arms around him.

"It's okay, Turbo, I would do anything to protect you!"

"Get off of me, you blue psycho!"

Turbo kicked him in between the legs, making the Surge grunt and fall to his knees. The racer then ran blindly until he stopped in front of _Hero's Duty_. "_Hero's Duty_ huh? Oh hey, that's where those cybugs came from. Maybe I can grab a gun or something and defend myself."

He headed inside, using the subway-like transportation system to get him there. Everything was cold and metallic here, which he wasn't sure he liked very much. The music was turbo-tastic though. The train stopped, and he rushed out to start looking for some weapons.

"Geez, do they have everything locked up around here or something?" he snorted as he found absolutely nothing. "Maybe they should consider locking up those cybugs so they can't eat people like me."

"What are you doing in here, citizen scum?"

Turbo yelped at the intrusive voice of one Sergeant Calhoun, and he turned around and tilted his head back so he could see her face. "Uh...you must be that soldier chick. I don't think we ever met actually."

"Oh, I know exactly who you are," Calhoun snapped at him, giving him a cold glare.

Turbo gulped, thinking that she was about to whip her pistol out and kill him. However, she leaned down and grabbed him by the collar of his suit and jerked him up to the level of her face. Turbo gave her a strange look. Was she gonna head-butt him? Didn't seem her style.

"This may come as a surprise to you, gray boy, but I'm actually rather impressed with you," the hot blonde smirked at him as she kept holding him up. "Hiding out for so long without people knowing about it, commandeering an entire world on your own and getting away with it? The military would like that you're so cunning and sharp."

"They would?" he asked dubiously. "I didn't think they would like that I killed a bunch of innocent people."

"All's fair in war...and love," she added as she pulled him closer to her, their faces almost touching.

"Whoa whoa, stop!" Turbo shouted right before she could kiss him, using his feet to push against the chest part of her armour and wiggle away from her. "I don't even know you, lady! And don't you get married?"

"Indeed she does," came the voice of none other than Fix-It Felix, Jr. The small handyman hopped into view, glaring up at the two with his arms crossed. "Turbo, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"But...but...this wasn't my idea!"

"Sorry, Felix, I couldn't resist myself," Calhoun pouted at him in a moment of blatant out-of-characterness, as she lowered the very mind-boggled Turbo on the ground.

"No, it's okay, Tammy, I understand," Felix assured her as she disappeared to...wherever it was she disappeared to.

Turbo gulped as he was left alone with the handyman, and he braced himself to get several punches in the face. "Look, Fix-It, I don't know what's going on here, but I swear on my _life _that I did not try to steal your wife from you! She grabbed me and-"

"I cannot believe you tried to seduce my wife!" Felix interrupted him hastily. "I mean, honestly! After all the years that you and I had together before you went crashing _RoadBlasters_? How could you go to her and not to me!"

Turbo blinked a few times and then shook his head to clear it. "Excuse me?"

Felix started to sniffle, wiping at his eyes with a hand. "Don't you remember? How we used to spend the night at each other's places? I thought I meant something to you!"

**Remember what I said about headcanons?**

"What the heck is a head cannon?!" Turbo shouted, throwing his arms in the air. "And what the Sam Hill are you babbling about, Fix-It, I never did any of that stuff with you! Or anybody for that matter!"

Felix gasped, holding both hands to heart as a hurt expression appeared on his face. "Turbo! How...how could you say that!"

**Aww you hurt his feelings...**

"I don't care about feelings!" Turbo yelled as he pushed Felix away from him, running back towards the trains. "I want to get the heck out of here! Everyone's gone insane!"

"Turbo, wait, come back!" he heard Felix's voice ring out from behind him. "I just want to rekindle what we had!"

"No way, Jose!" Turbo called back over his shoulder. In doing so, he ran right into Calhoun again, who had been waiting for him.

**Hm...let's make this meeting more interesting this time.**

"We meet again," she smirked as she grabbed the racer again and this time was able to successfully crush her lips against his.

Turbo's eyes got really big, and he jerked his head away before using the helmet on his head to butt her in the forehead. Calhoun's head reeled back and she dropped him as she grabbed her face in pain.

**My, this is getting rather violent.**

"Shut up!" Turbo panted as he ran into the train, just barely hearing Felix say that "he could fix it" before he healed Calhoun's minor head injury. Turbo forcefully closed the train's door and then made the device go back down the tunnel. "Okay, think, Turbo," he said to himself as he sat down on the floor. "Everyone seems to be insanely attracted to you for some reason. And they have no reason to!"

**That's why it's called a shipping fic, you dolt.**

"What does that even mean?!"

**Shipping: derives from the term 'relationship'. It is the act of pairing two characters together that a fandom member thinks will make a good couple.**

Turbo let this information sink in. "But I'm a homicidal psychopath!" he argued as the train came to a halt. "Why would _anyone_ want to get 'shipped' with me! I hate all of these idiots!"

**That matters not to a hardcore shipper...mwahahahaha!**

"You are a sick, diabolical fiend," the racer growled as he peered outside the train to make sure no one was there. "And when I find you, I am going to make you pay for this."

**You have to survive your many lovers first. Hehe.**

Turbo wanted nothing more than to strangle this individual. However, he _did_ have to get out of this place alive and without losing his mind first. He inched closer to the edge of the portal, hoping that he wouldn't activate the Surge Protector again. He inhaled deeply and ran as fast as he could through it, not even daring to stop and look back to see if the balding blue man had materialized.

"Hey, get back here, we have unfinished business!"

Crap! Turbo grit his teeth and ran faster, heading into the one place he knew he could be safe: _Sugar Rush._

**I don't think you want to go in there...**

"Please, this place is full of little kids! I'll be perfectly safe!"

The voice didn't say anything else, and Turbo wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad. He finally saw the Rainbow Road that would lead him to the rest of Sugar Rush, but he accidentally tripped on his shoelaces that had mysteriously come untied. He shouted and tumbled the entire way down until he landed face first at the bottom.

**That was fun.**

"You did that on purpose!" Turbo screamed against the dirt as he picked himself up.

He started to pat away the dust when suddenly a kart approached him. None other than Vanellope was the driver, and she hopped out to come towards him.

"Oh great, the glitch," Turbo groaned. "Hey, kid, I hate to show up here again, but this world has gone crazy! All these psychos out there are trying to get me to be their special someone, and I'm going nuts!"

Vanellope stopped and put her hands in her hoodie, raising a brow. "And _Sugar Rush_ was the only safe place you could think of?"

"Uh, yeah," he shrugged unsurely. "Look, I know you hate me and all, but-"

Vanellope suddenly glitched herself towards him, wrapping her arms around his chest and squishing herself to him. Turbo's eyes went as huge as saucers and he forcefully pried her off of him.

"What the flying heck?!"

"Turbo, what happened between us was in the past," she said sweetly as she kept trying to hug him. "I forgive you for everything you did, and I think you're the greatest racer in all the world, and we can be together forever and ever and race all the time!"

The very freaked out male racer finally got her away from him. "What part of 'I hate you' do you not understand!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "I tried to _murder you_, you stupid kid!"

"But I forgive you!"

He grit his teeth and slapped her hard across the face. "Do you forgive me _now_?!"

Vanellope rubbed at her cheek and simply smirked. "Sure, that's what you do when you love people. You forgive them for everything right?"

Turbo simply gawked at her, not believing what was happening. "Okay, that's it, stop this fanfic or whatever you call it!"

The scene froze, and Turbo walked away from the little girl before looking up at the cotton candy cloud sky. "Okay, you...you monster! This has gone too far! She is _nine _years old! Seriously? Are you mental?!"

**Hey stranger things have happened in fiction. Besides, it doesn't stop some of the _Inuyasha_ fans from shipping Sesshomaru and Rin.**

"I don't know who those people are, but this is a line that should not ever be crossed! I'm a villain, and even _I _think that's vile and disgusting!"

**Would it be better if she were 'aged up'?**

"If she were _what_?"

Turbo looked back at Vanellope and saw her magically become an adult character instead of a child. One of his eyes twitched and he held his head between his hands, feeling like he had begun to lose his mind.

"You can't do that! That's cheating! That's...impossible!"

**This is a fanfic, remember? _Anything_ is possible.**

"That doesn't change the fact that I tried to murder her!" he shrieked loudly. "She's one of the last people on earth that should want anything to do with me!"

**Shippers gonna ship.**

"Shippers gonna _die_!" Turbo raged, but before he could actually do anything, Adult Vanellope came rushing over to him to hug him again.

"Come on, you can be _my_ king," she whispered in his ear as she tried to drag him away towards her kart so she could haul him to her castle.

Turbo felt his mind cracking more, his reality warping heavily. "NOOOOOOO!" he cried out before he bit the heck out of her arm to make her drop him. "Over my dead body, glitch!"

He turned around and delivered a roundhouse kick to her face, making her fall to the ground where she began to cry. Turbo got an idea and bolted over to her kart, pushing the ignition button so he could drive. "I am getting out of this nuthouse once and for all!"

**Not so fast.**

"Huh?"

Out of nowhere, all the other _Sugar Rush_ racers (appropriately aged now) showed up in _their _karts. Also, the setting changed to where Turbo and the others had moved from the end of the Rainbow Road to the middle of the starting line where the _Sugar Rush_ races began. Before Turbo had time to question this, Taffyta spat out her lollipop and pointed at Turbo with one finger.

"You always said that _I_ was your favorite racer! So get over here and be with me _now_!"

Before Turbo could ask what she was talking about, as he didn't recall ever saying anything of the sort, the voice said,

**Headcanons: Ideas and beliefs that fandom members come up with about the story or characters that they believe to be true, even though they are not represented in the actual work.**

"You could have told me that a long time ago," he glared upwards. "That clears up _some_ of this insanity."

**Might want to pay attention to what's happening in front of you!**

The racers all started racing towards him in their karts, so Turbo had little time to respond to the voice. He shifted the kart into high gear and sped away, hoping to put them all behind him. "Too bad I'm not in my old King Candy kart. I'm not really enjoying this stupid glitch-mobile."

**I _guess_ I can be nice to you for once.**

The kart immediately transformed into the white kart that King Candy used to drive. "All right, that'sth more like it!" King Candy shouted, and-

"Wait a minute!" he cried, his bushy eyebrows furrowing together. "What'sth going on here!"

**Oops! Wait...I think I'll keep you like this for a little while.**

"You better watch yoursthelf," King Candy growled at the voice as he sped off towards a floating power-up box. He hit it perfectly with his kart, and a Sweet Seekers gun popped out of the kart's hood.

He spun the kart around and began to drive backwards like a boss, shooting his candy missiles at the hormonal group of young adults. "Have sthome freakin' candy!"

The karts all went up in flames, crashing into each other one by one. He could barely make out Taffyta screaming, "But I'm your favorite! You can't betray me like this!"

"Gimme a break," the bald monarch muttered as he sped himself back towards the Rainbow Road. "Finally, get me out of thisth sugary nightmare!"

Vanellope then randomly appeared in her princess dress. "Daddy!" she smiled happily as she ran towards him with open arms. "I can't believe it, you're alive!"

"Huh? Daddy?" King Candy muttered, then he said, "Wait. Don't tell me...headcanon."

**You're learning fast! Oh and I like you better as Turbo I think.**

King Candy turned back into Turbo just in time for him to run over Vanellope with the kart, which surprisingly he did by accident since he was being distracted by the narrator. She went flying through the air and landed with a sickening crunch, glitched a few times, then regenerated in the same spot.

"It's okay, I forgive you!"

Turbo felt his sanity slipping away from him as he finally managed to escape _Sugar Rush_. "You were right, Voice, I definitely did _not_ want to go in there!"

**I TRIED to be helpful.**

Turbo peeled out of _Sugar Rush'_s portal, colliding with a few denizens of Game Central Station before they had a chance to assault him with their love. He came to a sudden stop upon seeing the one and only Wreck-It Ralph.

"Oh thank the mods!" Turbo sighed in relief. "Ralph, surely _you_ hate me! I manipulated you into breaking your best friend's heart, tried to kill her afterwards, and then I was going to make you watch her get eaten by cybugs!"

The heavy-set wrecker looked down at him from his nine feet tall height. "You're right, Turbo, I have every reason to hate you."

Turbo thought he would cry of joy. Finally, someone hated him! That's the way it was supposed to be!

"But for some reason, I just can't."

Turbo's jaw fell open as he stared at Ralph in stunned shock. "But...but...I..."

"Heck, I did the same thing you did, kinda sorta," Ralph shrugged. "Wasn't happy with my game, went to try and change my fate, better my life. I can't really fault you for doing the same thing."

"No!" Turbo shouted, shaking his head at the wrecker's words and pounding on the steering wheel with his fist. "No, you're supposed to hate me! _Hate me!"_

"But we're practically the same. You just went down the evil path. If someone had maybe talked to you, shown you the error of your ways-"

Suddenly Turbo found himself getting surrounded by everyone in the entire GCS. Bad-Anon members, Nicelanders, Sure Protecter, Felix, Calhoun and her soldiers, Sour Bill, Wynnchel and Duncan, the Sugar Rush racers who had somehow managed to survive that big crash earlier, the Turbo Twins...all of them started to surround him.

Wait, the twins?

**Even the dead are not safe from the shippers, Turbo.**

"Just let us love you, Turbo!"

"We all want to be with you!"

"You're so adorable!"

"We forgive you!"

"Love us! Love us! Love us!"

Turbo's mind finally cracked wide open. Everything that he ever knew to be right in the world collapsed under the weight of the bizarre situation. His eyes twitched, his breathing became erratic. All the faces swirled together until he could not tell them apart. The voices merged until it sounded like just one voice.

**They all love you, Turbo! You will never escape them! Mwahahahaha!**

Turbo threw his head back and shrieked the most blood-curdling scream known to man. He made the Sweet Seeker gun that was still activated on his kart fire at whoever was in front of it, making the crowd step back some out of shock. Laughing maniacally, he did donuts in the kart, firing at everyone and everything in his path.

"How do you love me now?!" he cackled insanely as he killed everyone in about two minutes flat.

The gun was smoking from being overheated, and Turbo opened the kart door only to collapse on his back onto the tiled floor. The entire station spun in circles as he laughed weakly.

"I did it...I killed them all...no one shall ever love me!" He began to laugh harder, rolling around on the floor as he did so. "Take that, you shippers! Try to ship me with someone now!"

**I wonder if I should mention the OCs...**

Turbo stopped rolling when he heard the voice again, staring up at the ceiling. "Wh-what?" he sputtered out, fear creeping back into him.

**Original Characters: Characters that a fandom member invents and inserts them into a fanfiction to interact with the-**

"No...NO!" Turbo cried as he shakily got to his feet, hugging himself as he felt the cold chill in the room. "That's...that's not fair...you can't...invent new characters!"

He stumbled past all the bodies of his intended love interests, then stopped when he realized that dark gray figures were coming closer to him. Gender-neutral, faceless humanoid creatures that all came closer to him, surrounding him.

**Behold...the Original Characters. They can take on _any_ form, gender, personality, anything. Their numbers are endless. They birth into existence every time an author thinks them up. There are millions, no zillions!**

"Get away from me!" Turbo begged as he panicked, looking for a place to escape. "Find someone else to pick on! I hate you guys! I hate you all!"

**Let's not even get started on cross-over ships...where you end up with someone that isn't even in your universe. You see, Turbo...you will never escape the shipping. As long as there are other chracters in this world, you will find yourself being paired up with someone, no matter how ridiculous it is.**

Turbo's pupils shrank to the size of a pinprick. The final pieces of his sanity, the crumbled bits of whatever was left of his mind at last evaporated into dust. His entire body shook with rage and horror. He screamed harder than he had screamed so far, his ears bleeding from having busted on his own eardrums. Before he knew it, the entire world began to shake. Game Central Station began to collapse around him, the OCs crying as they fell into the many abysses that had formed in the floor.

**Hey, wait, what are you doing? How are you doing this? This isn't supposed to happen!**

* * *

The entire setting fell apart until there was nothing but white everywhere, Turbo finding himself back in the room he had started in. In his madness, he ran crazily into the vast space until he finally ran into something. Like a deranged lunatic, he clawed at the mythical Fourth Wall, kicking it with his shoe until it cracked into a million pieces all around him, flying out like miniature crystal diamonds.

Electricity sparked everywhere as the enraged racer glared evilly at the giant being before him. "_You_," he muttered hoarsely, pointing a finger at the figure menacingly. "You...you are behind all this. You did this to me."

"Did...did you just literally break the Fourth Wall?" the person said, completely dumbstruck.

"Stop speaking in weird jargon! And I'm going to kill you for making me spend Valentine's Day getting attacked by crazy love interests that I have no interest in being in love with!"

The author found themselves in a strange predicament indeed. They chuckled and wrung their hands together nervously. "Now, Turbo, you know that I was just kidding, right? This was all for fun, nothing else!"

"Fun?!" Turbo mimicked them before laughing insanely. "I'll show you _fun_!"

Turbo whipped out a machine gun from hammer space and cocked it, aiming it right at the author.

"Oh shit!" The author did a dive to the floor just as Turbo started spitting bullets at them. They started to crawl along the floor in an attempt to escape. "Turbo, please stop!"

The maniacal racer let out a battle cry as he tore out of the demolished computer screen. "I'll teach _you_ to write ship fics, you sicko!"

"Helllllllp!"

**~ The End ~**


End file.
